I become robotic. My intentions become much less nuanced, and suddenly all I can think about is what I can do to be as productive as possible. If I’m with a group of friends and our walk turns into more of a dilly dally, I can’t help but become frustrated. “I need to be in the library right now with a cup of coffee,” I think to myself. My day loses the possibility to be open-ended, as the next course of action is essentially a dialogue selector in a video game. Here, however, social interaction is ditched for more a stringent set of options: food, library or home. All of which inevitably lead me to doing homework, even if I’m not in the state of mind to make any significant progress.

I’ll notice myself not talking as much as I usually do and will consequently become upset. I enter a realm of paradoxical awareness, where all I can really do is suffer. If prompted to make a decision, I feel hatred towards the person or situation that has presented such a useless set of possible outcomes. Ambivalence is all that I can grasp. Sometimes the broader implication of a choice really is meaningless, but when interacting with the people I share a bond with, my neutrality can be truly damaging.

Some days are better than others. On the productive days I have no sense of whether my mindset, the coffee I’m drinking, or the Adderall is doing the heavy lifting. Practicing mindfulness is the only habit I’ve found to provide consistent relief. For me, this comes in the form of journaling and meditation. Of course, both require time, will power, and an attention span of any length at all. I’ve broken out of the habit of doing both these activities. I guess that gives me a clue of where to go next.

Griffin

My friends know I like to joke and pretend. I will joke and pretend and laugh until the joke becomes true. That is funny, how I see you as an audience, but you do not exist. As I joke and pretend, you will not laugh, and I will not hear.

This blog is not what it could be. It is not what it will be. Currently elementary, this blog has no search function, no way of interacting with me, and is not all that pretty. I’d like to implement what is only possible with JavaScript (and hopefully React). I don’t think Word catches all the syntax errors, so I definitely need to work on my grammar. My sentence structure has very little variation and my vocabulary is limited. Often, I find it is impossible to escape the passive voice.

I find that the best way to improve at something is to walk in the other direction entirely. With the development of this website and my technical writing ability, my ideas will become fuller. I will feel more in tune with myself, and what I express to my friends will be what truly involves them. This site stores the surplus of thoughts in my brain.

I’m not worried that my ideas are coherent, but practice makes perfect, and incontinence grows to become intentional. What do you think? What do you want to say? Who will you tell? Scream it into the abyss and wait for it to come echoing back.

Griffin

I’ve never built a guitar. In fact, I’ve done no woodworking of any kind since my seventh-grade shop class. I so stupidly believed that I would be able to work precisely as well as timely. Mmh.. nope. I put in my all, but by the end of the two weeks I was nowhere close to plugging in and jamming out. So, my dreams are on hold until I return home for the summer. I want to resent myself, but I can’t. These two weeks carried a joy that I’ve not had since I was eight years old, when I sat at my dining room table, building the Millenium Falcon out of LEGOS.

I felt present, and I felt like an artisan. The hands can do what the mind cannot. Make your imagination tangible.

Griffin

Many of the fellow international students here have some familiarity with the Arabic language. I don’t know what I would do without them. I wouldn’t know how to feed myself or even exchange my American dollars for Egyptian pounds. So far, I’ve learned how to say thank you as well as a couple traditional Egyptian foods. I think I’ll be taking an intro Arabic course that focuses on the colloquial Egyptian language, so that will hopefully allow me some level of freedom as I explore.

We have a few more days until classes start. I’m quite entertained by my selection of courses. Alongside Arabic, I’ll be taking courses about the medieval history of Egypt, Shakespeare, 19th century American Literature, and operating systems. Now that is what I call a healthy mix. I got my greens, protein, grains – all the essentials. We’ll wait and see what the coming weeks have in store for me.

Griffin

I said, “Hey, I’m the kid that was in earlier. I’m wondering if there’s any chance, you’d be willing to teach me how to build guitars. I can’t imagine anything cooler.”

The cynic quickly turned to a grouch and said, “No, no, unfortunately, that’s not possible.” I didn’t push anymore and parked in my driveway. Whether he realized it or not, Robert had just inspired a young man. That night I wasted away in my room playing video games and listening to Jeff Beck for the first time. (At the time I had no idea that he was in part of The Yardbirds, the precursor to Led Zeppelin.) Fuck you Robert, I thought to myself. What a demeaning prick that guy was.

Fast forward a year, I’m at my great aunt and uncle’s farm. My uncle’s showing me the cutting boards he’s been making and telling me about all this wood he has in his barn. The lightbulb comes on and I know that this will be wood the I eventually build a guitar out of. I got sent home with a beautiful piece of black walnut and my guitar building saga began.

Griffin

I wouldn’t call this idiosyncrasy a flaw, but it certainly has pros and cons. If I’m really grabbed by something, I will try it. However, if I don’t immediately showcase some extent of skill, then there’s a 50/50 chance I never bother with it again. I imagine my progression to be possible and inevitable, but I am often overwhelmed with the sense of failure. Because my goal is to be the best, I beat myself down to the point where I lose the will to practice. It’s an awful habit that leads to a lot of negative self-talk. When it happens, you have to put on a good song and remind yourself to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It helps, but I still always yearn to be far beyond my current ability.

Griffin

The only shame is that the US government doesn’t provide its citizens with a weekly allowance. Given that the good, good green exists in limited quantities, I become beyond hostile when I pass a billboard that doesn’t incite me to pull out my credit card. Does the Engagement Ring Superstore not want my money? Oh, come on, just take it – put me in debt even. If purchasing a product doesn’t feel like spinning the roulette wheel, then I don’t want it. Last week I learned that the cashback option, available during the purchasing process, at the supermarket is a free money glitch. I promptly grabbed a hundred-dollar bill and purchased Nvidia stock. Thanks FDR!

Everyone keeps throwing this “recession” word around. Apparently, it’s something really ominous and scary. Cars that are a couple of years old are getting sold back to dealerships for the price they were new. Other used cars are going for twice what they were worth a couple years ago. Even more egregious, a Snickers bar is four dollars. I’m not worried about it though, because price gouging gives me a real rush. I don’t deserve any sense of joy unless it burns a big ol’ hole in my pocket.

Gen Z is victim to a new form of consumerism. Rather than watching a Coca Cola ad on cable TV and proceeding to buy it the next time they’re thirsty, those of this generation let go of their invaluable time whenever reality isn’t stimulating enough. Our brains delineate purchasing power from where we plant our attention, though they are both ways in which we consume. It takes time to earn money, which is why our currency is of any value at all. The money that doesn’t go towards essentials is organized so perfectly to maintain the luxury of waste and the dutifulness of responsibility.

I’m happy I live in the modern era. I frequently go through drive throughs and finish my meal before parking at my destination. I love it but it does make me feel like a degenerate. Maybe life is all about finding the thing you can make that other people want to consume. If that thing just happens to bring satisfaction, then all the better.

Griffin

A recent realization is that she never changed. She had no reason to change, I had not asked her to change, and I do attest that I was almost always in the wrong, but it became increasingly evident that we were different people. (Queue one of the many songs about a woman molding a man, only for him to go off and date someone else.) I do not have a bad word to say about my ex, and yet, I have no intention of ever reaching out to her again. My continued processing of our dissolution will involve understanding why I can only think of her as unflawed. Believing anyone to be perfect is a symptom of an unhealthy sense of self.

Over the last semester my friend, the same one I mentioned above, had to listen to a lot of my yearning. I wanted a romantic relationship because I missed the attention I was used to, I thought it would fix all my problems, and I felt that I deserved one. My desire was problematic because it commodified the notion of a relationship and furthermore objectified any person I felt enamored by. My goal now is to delve into what interests me, as to make my identity more apparent to myself. Yes, what Griffin needs is to become obsessed with himself.

A degree of arrogance is necessary for love, to the extent that self love is arrogant. Yes, love is hard. Love becomes easier when both parties are nurtured. It becomes possible. I don’t like waiting, but time is what gives life it’s satisfaction.

Griffin

I am really quite terrible at interacting with difference. I’ve only recently identified this about myself. I tend to approach differences in opinion with passive aggression. To counteract it, it’s essential that I catch myself and take a moment to breathe. Two people’s ideas will commonly be entirely isolated from one another but rarely do they directly clash. Most opinions can peacefully co-exist and on other occasions open dialogue usually does the trick.

My trip to Egypt will challenge me to be more understanding than I ever have been. I can say that I’m ready, but I’m not. Cheers to difference and the memories that I’ll reflect on for a lifetime.

Griffin

I have no doubts that you are in a better place and am thankful that in your time here you blessed thousands of recordings with your presence. Weir’s musicianship is certainly the most underappreciated of those in the Dead. The man had a godlike understanding of the fretboard. The only way to truly note this is by listening to his isolated guitar parts. Gliding seamlessly between counterpoint and chorus, he was the secret sauce. I grieve his loss, but my God does it make me happy to think about the life he lived. The articles that have come out in the hours since his passing mention that he dropped out of high school to play with the Dead. He would play all night, go to school in the morning, and eventually he realized he got more out of one than the other.

Believe it or not, the start of this blog is also fulfilling a college graduation requirement. My school has an extended January break in which students are to complete a project of their own design. The creation of this website and beginning to fill it with content is the project I decided on. Riveting! As an English and Computer Science student it seemed like the perfect synergy.

What I find to be coolest about programming is that an individual can create a platform of completely their own design. The content and the medium by which it’s presented are entirely customizable. In the moment that I write, this website is stupid simple. I’ve not even finished the most basic of functionality and there are definitely some blemishes to cover up. My intention is for this blog to eventually feel not like a ‘relic’ but rather a modern website that also happens to articulate who I am as an individual.

My oh my – as you can already tell, I’m a rambler. I’m making a blog because I’m a massive deadhead without any friends who’re interested in talking about the intricacies of Phil’s influences or why Jerry’s guitar tone is absolutely perfect. I’m making a blog because I’ve played the guitar for nearly five years now and can’t play anything all that impressive. I’m making a blog because I have no idea how to interpret my thoughts unless they exist in some tangible form such as this. I’m making a blog because I like attention. So, dear reader, please do read and relish over every single word.

Thoughts are only as significant as the extent to which they exist outside of the individual’s brain. This in no way makes me unique, but I have lots of thoughts. The majority of them are forgotten – left for the void – and never acted upon. I have the sick twisted perception that I matter in the grand scheme of things and, as such, think that everyone of one my ideas should be evaluated. How are these ideas to be evaluated if they are not further manifested? This is why I’m making a blog; to give validity to the only activity that I can repeated return to without becoming upset with my lack of progression – thinking.

Griffin

It has been an infallible tool for my self-development in all directions. This is the context for what you’re reading presently. I’ve always thought a blog sounded fun, so here I am. Most of my journal entries narrate how I could’ve handled a situation better, and that may make its way on here, but for the most part the subjects of discussion will reflect my personal interests: music, guitar, mental health, well-being, traveling (hopefully), or whatever else I’m actively infatuated with.

So, if any of that interests you, stick around. If not, but you read this far anyway, thanks anyways – I’ll see you in a future life.

Griffin